I Have a Fascination With Toilets.

Admittedly, I over-study bathrooms. I don’t even know from where my curiosity stems. Nothing traumatic happened to me in the bathroom. I don’t have any issues getting rid of waste. But it seems all my conversations lead to poop, in some shape or form (pun intended). It could be that I am quite in tune with my body, and I am acutely aware of my timing. I can generally deposit anywhere at any time, and this has led me down some precarious roads. I have seen and paid for my share of bathrooms, public and private. I even rate them here in Europe in another blog post. But nothing caught my attention more than when I moved to Barcelona. Let me start with a little bit of history and comparison.

For more than 40 years, I lived in the US. Generally, all the toilets are the same. Recently, we have adapted to the elongated toilet bowl versus the round bowl. This may be because our population is getting heavier and wider, and, well, for males this is just a more user-friendly design. Our bowl shape holds a significant amount of water and has shallow depth. In hindsight, I can see how Europeans may think the toilet is clogged with all the water in the bowl, but I think the design is to help keep the bowl cleaner. And, it allows for inspection of the deposit.

I grew up inspecting my bowel movements. This is how you knew you were healthy. Blood was a big cause for concern so if you didn’t feel well, you checked your poo first. Dark or black meant we weren’t drinking enough water. Loose and watery was an indicator that something was wrong. Floater balls, lone soldiers, or toothpaste were probably okay but definitely needed a re-examine in the future. But one solid brown log and you were good to go. Flush it and away it goes without skid marks, because, guess what? The bowl was full of water.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived in Barcelona! This was a completely different toilet design. Upon making my first deposit in our flat, I noticed that my action was quite loud. There was an audible kerplunk. There was significantly more distance from the exit source to the water than I was accustomed. I was sure my family could hear me in the next room. And not that I cared, but I know that other people are quite conscious of the sounds they may make. And I would need to keep this in mind for future guests. Upon completion, I turned around to examine my number 2 and IT WAS GONE. It ghosted me. Now, I had no idea if I was healthy or not. I knew I was productive because there were skid marks.

I flushed and decided to recheck the next time. The same thing happened again. Over and again, my caca was whisked away before I could inspect and flush. A couple of weeks later, I met my saving grace, Lucy UK. Immediately, I was comforted by her words of wisdom and explanations of everything Europe. Mind you, we moved to Barcelona without knowing a soul or speaking the language so to have this angel appear was an enormous blessing. And, we share a name, so it was meant to be. I was able to ask her about the toilets and she said that the British and most Europeans don’t want to look at anything yucky so it is contained and swept out of view quickly. It sounded like a classy answer so I went with it. Plus, she has this really posh accent, so I believe everything she says (like David Attenborough).

So, silly me, I think all of Europe has the same toilets. And after 2 years, I am getting used to them but I am still not quite sure how healthy I am. But, I take a trip with my BFF, Tasha from the US, to Budapest in December 2019. I rented a cute little flat in the city for us, and as always, I check out the bathroom first upon arrival. I was shocked.

A totally new design was before me. The water hole was in the front with little water. And there was this shelf on the backside. I have come to learn that this is also known as the balcony, and, weirdly, I find this charming. So, I deducted quickly that if I made a deposit and when I completed and turned around, then it would be on full display prior to flushing. Ladies and gents, that is exactly what happened. For 4 days, I determined that I was healthy (except for that one night where Tasha and I had a bit more wine than food). To this day, I have no idea why the Hungarians chose this particular center stage architecture. They eat a lot of meat, potatoes, and stews. Maybe this type of diet allows for such showboating. I’ll have to add this to my list of inquires for Lucy UK.

In conclusion, I have tossed any preconceived notions and stereotypes on toilets. I treat each new toilet as a unique experience. I hear that Japan has some funky varieties with built-in bidets. I would like to test the theory that the drain water spins opposite in Australia. I would like to avoid holes in the ground (Italy). But, hey, I am up for the challenge.

I will leave you with one of my favorite traditions here in Catalunya during Christmas. Looks like Barcelona also has a fascination with poop.