How the hell are you, Lucy?

It has been nearly 3 years since I wrote a blog post.

Why did it take me so long to pick this back up?

I wanted to tell you. So much has happened. I had ample material. But, like a hoarder, I did not know where to begin. How was I to declutter everything around me when I could hardly navigate myself? The experiences have been piling up, like old travel magazines and clothes I might wear one day. Only a small path existed from the outside entry door to my inner thoughts.

During this time, I have continued to write, mostly for myself, loosely working on a couple of books. I have a small international writing group that meets almost every month, holding me accountable, forcing me to put some of these swirling thoughts in my head down on paper. Now, I am ready to use some of this textile.

But my life does not just contain me. In order to let you know how I was and how I am currently doing, I have to talk about my family. I sought permission to write about them because in this venue you will only hear my voice. That’s not fair to my closest circle. There is bias, opinion, my wide viewpoint, and my narrow perspective. Bear in mind that experience is a kaleidoscope, ever changing prisms and colors and shapes based on those involved. You are the viewer looking only through my portal. The art you see from another’s lens will be entirely different; maybe brighter, maybe darker, definitely another pattern.

I am generally happy. I am content. I have peace.

It took a long time to get here. I did not even know the level of unhappiness I was drinking. Despite all my preaching to undo the American Dream, I was still living in a family and relationship paradigm. I had been with DJ since 2000, married in 2003, and Josephine was born in 2005. We worked, we succeeded, we did everything we were supposed to accomplish. In way too simple terms, it was incredible pressure and this US lifestyle did not feel authentic. We sought an alternative and moved to Barcelona, Spain, in 2018. It was not easy but, in hindsight, commonly we were seeking happiness. And, overall, it happened! With time, Barcelona became home but at less cost, more beauty, different culture, new friends, and eye opening experiences.

But we had not addressed our marriage.

There were many parts in which DJ and I synced well: travel, new experiences, social activities, many similar goals. We played our parts. We hung in there. We were good partners to the outside world, but so much depth was missing. It was both of us, no one is to blame. He logically knew it before me. I investigated what was wrong with me, what was wrong with him, explanations, therapy, research, venting with girlfriends, but never actually pointing the finger at the unhappiness I felt. And he was depressed, too. Angry even. We were just on a rat wheel, spinning, going nowhere, and neither us willing to get off the cycle for years.

Until we did. I did it with my actions. I was having fear of him leaving so I bought a house in Italy. He did it verbally saying this needed to be the end of us as we knew it. I accepted reluctantly. I was hurt and I was mentally spinning on how to expose this decision to Josephine, our friends, our family, the rest of the world. After some thought, I coerced DJ into “pretending” to be together for nearly a year while we unitedly supported Josephine on her move to the Netherlands to start university. And, then quickly, moving her back her to Barcelona after the transition proved too difficult and depressing. I still do not know if this was the correct way to handle things but it was the way I thought best for Josephine. DJ was supportive and kind, but also struggling. This time period was unstable ground for us both because Josephine was always the priority, but our own happiness was still searching for a place to belong. And it was not with each other.

After some time apart, and then some time together, it was clear that we did better separately. I moved to Italy and discovered that time alone was essential to me. I relished in the silence, the independence, the release of the responsibility and management of an entire family. I physically changed my location, my surroundings, my environment, my friends, my routines, my body. I rescued a giant dog. I answered only to myself. I was surprised at how much I liked it and how well I was making an entirely new life.

It was as if the first part of my life was the seedling and the root. This second part of my life is the emergence from the soil into something unknown, but it feels explosive. Probably a beautiful flower that basks in the sunshine. I am ready to bloom.